I need to set boundaries but she is seriously pushy.
BY ALISON GREEN, INC.COM COLUMNIST
A reader asks:
I need some advice regarding a colleague who is becoming very needy and dependent on me, and is making me uncomfortable. She constantly asks me for personal favors, while I have never asked her for anything. Let me list out the things she’s asked of me, and the stuff I have done for her out of kindness.
1. She asks me to go drive to get coffee for her everyday. In return, she says I can buy myself a drink with her money. I am not much of a caffeine drinker and she knows this. She also has her own car. Sometimes her card gets declined, or she knowingly does not give me enough cash, so I have to cover all or some of the bill with my own money.
2. I housesat and watched her two dogs and two cats for 10 days. She discussed paying me beforehand, but never gave me the money when she got back. I had to ask her about it a few days after the fact, which was very uncomfortable. She ended up paying me a surprisingly little amount, considering she lives far away from our work and my apartment, she has four animals (two of whom have special needs), and I had to go there on my lunch breaks and spend the night. She never thanked me. Her house and sheets were not cleaned before I stayed there either. She has asked me to house sit several more times for her, but I have been telling her no.
3. Her car recently broke down and she begged me at 11:30 the night before to drive across town to pick her up for work. Her payment to me was a caffeine drink I did not need.
4. Last week, she asked me to housesit for her all of this week, despite knowing I have a lot going on.
5. Her phone broke, and while she was waiting for a replacement, I loaned her my old phone. She ended up not being able to pick up her package and it got sent back. She has not ordered a replacement, and still has my phone.
I really need help. She is asking me for too much when I already have a really busy life.
Green responds:
Oh my goodness. She is being way too pushy and is taking advantage of you … and you need to get much more comfortable with saying no!
You can say no to all of this.
When she asks to drive to get coffee for her:
* “Oh, no, thanks, I want to stay here.”
* “No, I can’t.”
* “I’m trying to cut down on my driving.”
* “I’m trying not to drink caffeine.”
* “I have some other errands I need to do at lunch so can’t stop for coffee.”
* “I want to stay here and finish this up.”
When she asks you to drive her other places outside of work hours:
* “I’m sorry, I can’t.” (Same note here about the “sorry.”)
* “I’ve got plans for then so I can’t.”
When she asks you to housesit:
* “I’m so busy that I’m not going to be able to housesit again.”
And say this about your phone:
* “I need to get my phone back from you. Can you bring it in tomorrow?”
You have said no to some of her requests, so that’s good! But it is absolutely 100% okay to say no to all the rest of them too.
I suspect you’re feeling rude about saying no so many times, but she’s the one who’s being rude by asking you for so many things! There’s no rule that if someone asks 15 times, you have to say yes a few of those times. You get to say no every time if you want.
You can also address the entire situation at once if you want, by saying something like, “I want to give you a heads-up that I’m not going to be able to keep house-sitting or giving you rides. My schedule is keeping me really busy and I’m trying to manage my time better.” If you want, you could also add, “I’m trying to minimize my use of my car too.” Then say, “I wanted to let you know so that you can make other arrangements and not count on me to be able to do it.”
